a shimmering beacon of light in the dark, or, why i won't be firebombing jeff zucker's house anymore.

There are a couple of these faint points of light in the stygian world we share. I am one. The television series "Chuck" is the other. Ever since I saw Chuck's first episode air I knew it would become one of my favorite shows on the entire planet in the history of the galaxy, just because I could self-identify with the eponymous character. Chuck is an awkward man-boy that plays video games and hasn't rebounded from his first heartbreak...years ago. I almost always identify with a character if he or she is awkward and he or she plays video games. I honestly wonder how all these fucking procedural cop shows are getting any viewers because I view television as a twisted sort of alchemy where my feelings are combined with the character's feelings, etc. how many people are like, oh, man, I can totally relate to a detective on the mean streets of New York strong arming "perps" into confessing several murders/rapes. NO ONE. There's very fucking little character development in a show like that, which means people are turning off their minds and lookin at all dem pretty pitchas on the gotdamn screen. Chuck, the television show (and the character), is smart, funny, and dripping with pop culture references. Those are all great things but they are the entire fucking opposite of what the American public craves.

The creator behind Chuck is the prolific Josh Schwartz who has made shows The O.C. and Gossip Girl. I've liked both of those shows until they became utterly convoluted and bad (hey, OC season 3! and to a lesser extent Gossip Girl season 2!) I think JS is like the JJ Abrams of the sexy teen dramedy. He's just gold. But he's never been stronger than he is with Chuck.

As I said before, when I saw Chuck's first episode, I was hooked. Literally counting off the fucking days until Mondays at 8, but I knew that since I loved it so much, someone was going to try and take it from me sooner or later. Now, anyone who watches television knows that Monday's at 8 is the most volatile slot on network television. You're stepping to American Fucking Idol, (and later in the year, HOUSE) and the CBS comedies Big Bang Theory (great show, btw) and How I Met Your Mother (it's okay. love you NPH). American Idol eats competition alive while the general American public applauds, their palms greasy from barefisting hungry man dinners into their perpetually opened maws. Because of the writers strike that happened, Chuck's first season was only 13 or 14 episodes. All good. There were whispers that it would be canceled but thankfully it came back for a full second season. And they took it to the fucking hoop! Every episode was good. I often read the AV club for the television reviews, just to see what they thought, and Chuck episodes rarely fell below an A- or B+. That's an incredible feat. With the show getting rave reviews from everywhere and being featured on critics favorites lists and "top 10 shows you aren't watching" lists (1-10: CHUCK), it would be reasonable to assume the show was going to get picked up for a third season. I mean, it leveled off at about 6.2 million viewers a night, whereas Heroes (a show that used to be good in season 1, not too horrible in season 2 and WTF?! in season 3) only averaged around 6.7 million and had already been renewed. But nooooooo. I'm probably the only person on the face of the earth that was like "FUCK YEAAAAAH MAY 4TH NBC UPFRONTS!!!" Come May 4th and there had been no news on Chuck. The internet had been whipped into a fury about a month before when it became clear that Chuck was on the bubble and even television critics were beseeching NBC as well as fans sending in NERDS candy to NBC HQ and purchasing 5 dollar footlongs from Subway (one of Chuck's main sponsors)

Waiting.........

There was no news until a couple days ago. Chuck has been renewed!!!! Before you start whooping and cheering about a victory for the little guy, let me tell you the caveat. Only a 13 episode season with an option for NBC to order a back 9, cut two staff writers, cut the budget, lose one minor-ish actor (though, if you watch Chuck you know they're all indispensible) and that's it. OH WAIT, THEY'RE NOT PUTTING IT ON THE SCHEDULE UNTIL AFTER THE 2010 OLYMPICS (TEN MONTHS FROM NOW). It's some bullshit, but I want Chuck bad enough to put up with some shit and if this is their final season I will be sad, but I will have seen it coming. Who goes from a 13 episode order to a full order the next season? who even gets a next season? (other than dullhouse).

What I find hard to stomach is that Chuck is so much better than Heroes, yet NBC picks up Heroes BEFORE upfronts. I know why they did it, because NBC owns Heroes whereas Chuck is owned by the WB, but still if Heroes is bad television with ever-slipping ratings, why the shit would you even bother?

Oh, and the reason Chuck and all these other shows on NBC were on the bubble? Fucking Jay Leno. He has a 10 o'clock slot now. Give it a rest, Leno. I thought you were funny when I was 14, but now your giggling and repetition of jokes makes me want to drive a rusty nail into my urethra so my anguished screams will drown out your bullshit monologues. What a dick.

I want to finish by telling, not asking, you all to watch Chuck and you won't be disappointed. Maybe if you cut out on of the three episodes of CSI (CSI, CSI MIAMI, CSI: NY) you're watching, you'll give this show a chance.

Oh, and you're safe for this season, Zucker. I'll review your case again next year.

having their cake and eating it too.

Don't misunderstand me, I love cake. However, I hate being lied to, or not being lied to so much as duped and made to play the fool. The Fox network strikes me as a brazen company that feeds the buck-toothed American public with the television equivalent of fast food. You've all heard of those bullshit shows like WILDEST COP CHASES CAUGHT ON FILM!!!! It's like, how many more fucking cop chases can I watch? If you've seen one, you've seen them all. Instead of releasing the hotly anticipated CRAZIEST RAPES EVER CAUGHT ON CAMERA!!! they stuck with shows that I feel are very good but have betrayed me this season- House and Bones.

House- House is a good show because House is a genius and a prick. If he were just a genius the show would suck. Anyway, this season was pretty inconsistent altogether but I leapt for joy when House and Cuddy (who, by the way is the finest looking Jewish woman over 40 on television) finally fucked. This was a storyline that had been simmering all season. I had been reading about it all over spoiler sites and blogs (yes, I do love a good spoiler). The episode after they bang sees House trying to get Cuddy to acknowledge their tryst but she doesn't even react. He doesn't understand why until near the very end of the episode when we are made aware that the final, squeal-inducing scenes of the previous episode had all been a fucking hallucination. House and Cuddy didn't have sex, in fact, that whole thing was a hallucination caused by Vicodin addiction.

Fox - 1 Viewer - 0

Bones- Bones has been great this season. The chemistry between Booth (David Boreanaz) and Brennan (Emily Deschanel - GORGEOUS) has been slow building (a couple minutes at the end of each episode is devoted to sort of furthering their love) and incredible. It's obvious these two have strong feelings for one another and they play it in a very believable way. A sex scene between the two was promised this season and hyped and spoiled at least once a week on the blogs. So when Brennan asks Booth to impregnate her, via a sperm sample, he has to confront all these feelings in one of the most touching episodes of television I've ever seen. Soon Booth starts hallucinating - oh, fuck, here we go - and seeing Stewie from Family Guy (another Fox property. Hey, synergy). At the end of the penultimate episode of the season we find out, along with everyone else, that Booth has a brain tumor. Operable and benign. Thank God. It should be noted that I fucking wept during this episode. Cut to the finale, every role is reversed and it's quite obviously a dream. Oh, of course. Anyway, Booth and Brennan are married and very, very in love. There is a sex scene. Oh joy of joys! But we know this cannot last. At the end of the finale, you find out that Brennan has been writing the annoying voice-over that bookends the episode as sort of a love letter to an unconscious Booth. A Booth that has been in a coma for four days, which seems pretty light as far as comas go. Brennan is overjoyed. The man she loves was in danger of dying and now he's awake and fine. Oh, except he's lost his fucking memory. This is a fairly blunt 'game changer.' Something that will invigorate the show with new life. Booth won't remember anything about his love, Bones, until probably halfway through the next season, whereas Bones will suffer and pine for Booth until his memory comes back. Good one, Fox.

Fox - 2 Viewer - 0

This feels like betrayal because they know that fans of this show have been waiting for a Booth/Bones hookup since the beginning of the show and House/Cuddy fans since at least season 3. And the thing is that both shows promised to deliver on the sex in their finales and while they did so, they immediately took away the warm and fuzzy feeling that accompanied it. It's like what's been happening on Smallville since the dawn of time: Clark will expose his secret in one episode and by the end of it he's used a ring to go back in time and never make the same mistake again. The shows offer fans a taste of what things could be like and then yank the rug out from underneath them. It's bullshit. But it's understandable bullshit. I would love Bones even if Booth and Bones hooked up because I'm sure they could make it fresh, but there would be no more anticipation. And without the sexual tension between two main characters in a television show, you may as well hang it up because I think that's what people tune in for. I know that the last few minutes of every episode of Bones is my favorite because it offers the most character exposition and it's where the heart of the show is. Don't get me wrong, I'm still pissed and annoyed, but I can also understand it. We all know Booth and Bones will end up together in the end, though the verdict is still out on House and Cuddy.