discrepancies.

Whenever I have high expectations for something, or feel my expectations mounting, the voice of my ex-girlfriend screeches into my skull, a spectre that forever haunts my gray matter. She told me that no matter what my expectations were, I would universally be disappointed. And as treacherous a woman as she was, she could not have been more correct. I didn't realize it at the time, but she was basically outlining the whole foundation of our relationship. The burgeoning relationship I had such high hopes for imploded after one bonnie and clyde-esque, hallucinogen-fueled night filled with misdemeanor felonies involving three gallons of A1 steak sauce and a transient hooker. One criminal record and a broken heart later, I have try to not have expectations of anything. Without any expectations, it's impossible to be let down. However, I couldn't help but feel a slight pang of disappointment. Perhaps the word disappointment is too strong; it would be more accurate to say they weren't what I expected. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, in fact, it was sort of refreshing, but it was fairly evident that not everyone enjoyed the show.

I don't want to go into great detail about the mute, holier than thou, 'experimental' (see: shitty) 'band' that preceded Animal Collective. It was just a woman with a bunch of tapes and tape decks, a looping device, a frown and a guitar that she barely played. What I do want to say is that people actually clapped for her and I can't tell if they clapped because it was bad and they wanted to seem as if they appreciated it because it was 'real art' or if they clapped out of the goodness of their hearts. Either way, after people clapped and howled for her, she just walked off the stage. Look, I know being a pretentious bitch is probably an acceptable professional persona in the world of really bad music, but honestly if you don't even say thanks to the people wasting their time watching you be unique, then you can go fuck yourself. And, yeah, when I clapped sardonically for you, it was a gentleman's middle finger.

To me, Animal Collective are more artists than musicians. That sentence sounds like it should be followed with a painfully contrived comment about my favorite year for wine or about the unimaginable depths in Albert Camus' (pronounced with a French flair) criminally short story, L'etranger or, The Stranger, for the uninitiated. You'll get no such comments from me, though. The reason behind my viewpoint is fairly straight across: I've never heard a band layer so many different sounds on top of each other to create a beat that is as comprehensive, luminous, and frenetic as Animal Collective's are. It evokes the feeling of being lost in a sea of sound yet always having something solid to latch onto.

I remember a friend of mine telling me before the concert that a lot of their songs were improvised and sometimes they just played a lot of new stuff with only a few of the songs being devoted to stuff off the album they're touring. He was right about the first part, whereas I imagine the only reason he was wrong about the second is because of the steadily increasing popularity of Animal Collective. They can't go back to their roots of screaming unintelligibly into microphones and pouring milk all over each other anymore, unfortunately. Although I'm sure their more la-de-da fanbase would love this high concept art, rich in both metaphor and calcium.

As I said before, my expectations are never high, BUT when I go to a concert, I expect to hear the songs I heard on the record. Probably because at 99.9% of the live shows I've been to, that's what happens. I long to recognize the song and sing along with it in my signature falsetto. However, since Animal Collective improvise a lot of their sound during their live show it has an almost disorienting effect. There would be rambling interludes of laser sounds and rhythmic chanting that lasted almost five minutes before they would morph it into a song. It might sound as if I'm excoriating them for it, but I happen to think that's a big part of their genius. There would be a tangle of sound but then a tiny drum beat would flit in and out of the noise, barely there, and before it dawned on you, it had become the instantly recognizable opening drum beat of Fireworks. Picture it as starting a sculpture with a huge block of marble (or whatever) and chipping pieces off until a basic shape was created and then refining it until it was something beautiful.

Sure, they played a couple of my favorites like Brothersport and Fireworks, but they often changed the tempo of the songs and added little bits to it. I didn't mind it, personally. I was just there to see these guys go buck ass wild, which I did see. But you could tell a lot of people felt, I don't know, betrayed, perhaps?

ps. that's a picture I took of the geologist.

damaging sterotypes, or why fox news is filled to the brim with ignorant c-words.

Normally I'm not one of those people that are like, "Oh, Fox News, what are you doing?" in an exasperated tone. I'm one of the people that views Fox News as, in essence, the Duke brothers. Every week they get themselves into some sort of bucket of syrup and it'll be entertaining to watch them wiggle their way out of it. I know they've been a bad steward of the news for the slack jawed American public and I don't mind that because I think if I put a dish of excrement in front of you and you eat it, it's your own goddamn fault. However, I was on Yahoo! of all places a couple nights ago when I saw one of their front page stories "WHICH PROFESSION MAKES THE BEST LOVERS!" Naturally, my interest was piqued. When I clicked the link, instead of being taken to a page of text as I had hoped would be the case (honestly, for a question like this I only need one word, or two if it was dental hygenist or something), I was taken to a video for Fox News instead. I was immediately assaulted by this smug-looking chubby guy who looks like he's trying to age gracefully. He has his hair gelled up into spikes, which I always take as a phallic compensation, the top two buttons of his shirt are undone to indicate that he's cool and that he's into partying on nights when Matlock isn't on. He looks like the kind of person that, in apropos of nothing, says INTERNET! or SKATEBOARD! during normal conversation just to show how 'in touch' he is. He probably describes himself as controversial and unapologetic and 'real'. In short, he's a real douche.

To give you an idea of how stupid this person is, his first line is "Do the geeks inherit the skirts?" At this point, I calmly retrieved the pistol I keep in my desk drawer, put it into my mouth, pulled the hammer back and painted the wall behind me with my beautiful, beautiful brain. Obviously, unfortunately, that wasn't the case, though, I wish it were. The next thing he says--this time to his co-host--some bleach blonde woman with this thoroughly-fucked glazed over look in her eyes-- is, "according to this study, 81% of IT professionals said that their pleasure was secondary to their partner's pleasure. Why do you think that?" The fact that he posed this woman a question is hilarious because it becomes evident that, clearly, this woman doesn't think. At all. Ever. Her reasoning is that IT professionals are just so excited to have sex that they want ensure a repeat performance by making sure everyone's needs are fulfilled. There are a number of problems with this statement. First, I think it's just good manners to make sure everyone is having fun during sex. I assume she isn't fucking the IT department (in fact, they probably all revile her wretched soul), so then is it also safe to assume that she's never been pleased during sex? She's probably a cadaverous lay and the husband that she married for money no doubt drapes himself over her like a wet pile of laundry and shoots a load of dust into her. Secondly, I was hoping that we'd moved past this whole nerds don't mesh well with women, etc. bullshit. Sure, we're a socially awkward bunch. Some more than others, but the fundamental nature of people is that they'll have sex with whoever they want to have sex with. It's sort of antediluvian to say or think, "oh, man I'm only going to have sex with people that are confined to a certain group of individuals..."

I tried to convince my friend that this was racist, but she wasn't buying it and I guess I can understand the reasoning behind her decision, because nerds aren't a race. But it's still a form of prejudice based on spurious stereotypes.

Then he asks this other guy, who looks like a chubby tanned baby with a receding hairline, why he thinks 'nerds' make the best lovers and not gym rats that have so much energy and are so awesome, etc. I'm surprised the word sex is even in this munchkin's lexicon. The repugnant munchkin says he doesn't know why nerds make the best lovers and instead does this impression of a nerd asking if they should get down at his mother's basement or her mother's basement. He should spend less time mocking the question no nerd would ever ask and ponder the only question he ever has to ask in a sexual relationship - "How much for the night?"

The host appears to ask his only semi-intelligent question during the last minute of the segment by asking this 'author' named Ron, who, again, is a chubby grey-haired babyman in glasses, if he thinks that narcissism ruins all forms of human interaction. A valid question... UNTIL he says that it's about people with smaller egos thinking they have to perform better in bed. Sigh. So close. Anyway, the guy answers with this stupid story about how he's slept with the ugliest women on earth that he had to bring in through the fire escape, yet, it was these women that gave themselves wholly over in a bid to pleasure this terrestrial porpoise.

One of the people, and I use that term loosely, says that it was like Ron was helping these women by having sex with them. If anything, sir, I would consider having sex with Ron a disservice to women.

The woman then comes in with a zinger: "But could she set up your wi-fi?" Oh! Glad to see the vapid bitch brought her A-game tonight!

If you thought this segment couldn't get any dumber or offensive, you were wrong! Because in the last 15 seconds, they crank this shit to eleven. They cut to a talking...newspaper? The newspaper says that the study showed that people who frequented the gym were less likely to use sex toys. The reason for this, according to the newspaper? Because they don't need to. Because people who go the gym have stamina and don't get tired after 'the first thrust' and that maybe nerds should frequent the gym.

I'm foaming at the mouth now, gnashing at anything that moves. I'm a human old yeller. Waiting for someone to shoot me behind the barn so I never have to witness what stupid shit people will get up to when they have an audience ever again.

Hit the link if you want to experience it for yourself:

Frustrating Bullshit

hell on earth.

Every couple months I venture out into the vast expanse to go shopping. Sometimes it's for small things like underoos or sockies, but yesterday it was for "summer wear." And my definition of summer wear is not shorts with radical floral prints on them. My definition is "i don't want pants that make me feel sorry to have testicles." I live with that shit for 9 out of 12 months of the year, but the combination of summer and my signature dark denim nut crunchers just does not mesh. I wanted khakis. I went to H&M and instead of finding khakis I found the largest panic attack I'd ever had.

As soon as you cross the threshold into this nega-realm, it's like you've pried open the hellmouth only to find that dwelling inside is, instead of demons dwelling and the sounds of the damned howling in eternal pain, trendy asians and white people trying to be trendy and techno music that sounds like it is pumping inside your fucking skull like a live organism writhing in time with the repetetive beat. I know that sounds hyperbolic, but it is true! The place could not be any more fucking packed. The place is essentially two lines. One line for people waiting to pay and one line waiting to try shit on. And there are two or three people actually shopping in between. Picture a really popular store, like a Future Shop or something, on boxing day. It's all lineup and screaming and grabbing hands and the sound of money. Every day is like this at H&M. In fact, I heard a woman, a woman who didn't belong in H&M say to a flustered employee (who is ALWAYS flustered), "Is it always this busy?" The flustered employee smiled grimly and said "Yes."

That said, the shit there is nice and relatively inexpensive, which is, I'm sure, why it's so goddamn popular. If I can get an electric blue polo, 2 (TWO!) sweater vests and short-sleeved button down plaid shirt for under $75 then that's it. There's nothing more. They have me. The polo is really great. Too great, in fact. I think i may have to go back in for a couple more. They're designed in a really cool way in that the armpit of the shirt doesn't really fit snugly in your armpit, so you can't see it if you're sweating. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm sweating all the time, just when it's really hot or when i'm panicking. I guess it would be a nice gesture to wear the polo next time I go to H&M so you can't see that i'm shedding pounds in panicked sweat. Though, I guess you'll still be able to see the bulging veins glistening with fear standing out on my forehead.

a shimmering beacon of light in the dark, or, why i won't be firebombing jeff zucker's house anymore.

There are a couple of these faint points of light in the stygian world we share. I am one. The television series "Chuck" is the other. Ever since I saw Chuck's first episode air I knew it would become one of my favorite shows on the entire planet in the history of the galaxy, just because I could self-identify with the eponymous character. Chuck is an awkward man-boy that plays video games and hasn't rebounded from his first heartbreak...years ago. I almost always identify with a character if he or she is awkward and he or she plays video games. I honestly wonder how all these fucking procedural cop shows are getting any viewers because I view television as a twisted sort of alchemy where my feelings are combined with the character's feelings, etc. how many people are like, oh, man, I can totally relate to a detective on the mean streets of New York strong arming "perps" into confessing several murders/rapes. NO ONE. There's very fucking little character development in a show like that, which means people are turning off their minds and lookin at all dem pretty pitchas on the gotdamn screen. Chuck, the television show (and the character), is smart, funny, and dripping with pop culture references. Those are all great things but they are the entire fucking opposite of what the American public craves.

The creator behind Chuck is the prolific Josh Schwartz who has made shows The O.C. and Gossip Girl. I've liked both of those shows until they became utterly convoluted and bad (hey, OC season 3! and to a lesser extent Gossip Girl season 2!) I think JS is like the JJ Abrams of the sexy teen dramedy. He's just gold. But he's never been stronger than he is with Chuck.

As I said before, when I saw Chuck's first episode, I was hooked. Literally counting off the fucking days until Mondays at 8, but I knew that since I loved it so much, someone was going to try and take it from me sooner or later. Now, anyone who watches television knows that Monday's at 8 is the most volatile slot on network television. You're stepping to American Fucking Idol, (and later in the year, HOUSE) and the CBS comedies Big Bang Theory (great show, btw) and How I Met Your Mother (it's okay. love you NPH). American Idol eats competition alive while the general American public applauds, their palms greasy from barefisting hungry man dinners into their perpetually opened maws. Because of the writers strike that happened, Chuck's first season was only 13 or 14 episodes. All good. There were whispers that it would be canceled but thankfully it came back for a full second season. And they took it to the fucking hoop! Every episode was good. I often read the AV club for the television reviews, just to see what they thought, and Chuck episodes rarely fell below an A- or B+. That's an incredible feat. With the show getting rave reviews from everywhere and being featured on critics favorites lists and "top 10 shows you aren't watching" lists (1-10: CHUCK), it would be reasonable to assume the show was going to get picked up for a third season. I mean, it leveled off at about 6.2 million viewers a night, whereas Heroes (a show that used to be good in season 1, not too horrible in season 2 and WTF?! in season 3) only averaged around 6.7 million and had already been renewed. But nooooooo. I'm probably the only person on the face of the earth that was like "FUCK YEAAAAAH MAY 4TH NBC UPFRONTS!!!" Come May 4th and there had been no news on Chuck. The internet had been whipped into a fury about a month before when it became clear that Chuck was on the bubble and even television critics were beseeching NBC as well as fans sending in NERDS candy to NBC HQ and purchasing 5 dollar footlongs from Subway (one of Chuck's main sponsors)

Waiting.........

There was no news until a couple days ago. Chuck has been renewed!!!! Before you start whooping and cheering about a victory for the little guy, let me tell you the caveat. Only a 13 episode season with an option for NBC to order a back 9, cut two staff writers, cut the budget, lose one minor-ish actor (though, if you watch Chuck you know they're all indispensible) and that's it. OH WAIT, THEY'RE NOT PUTTING IT ON THE SCHEDULE UNTIL AFTER THE 2010 OLYMPICS (TEN MONTHS FROM NOW). It's some bullshit, but I want Chuck bad enough to put up with some shit and if this is their final season I will be sad, but I will have seen it coming. Who goes from a 13 episode order to a full order the next season? who even gets a next season? (other than dullhouse).

What I find hard to stomach is that Chuck is so much better than Heroes, yet NBC picks up Heroes BEFORE upfronts. I know why they did it, because NBC owns Heroes whereas Chuck is owned by the WB, but still if Heroes is bad television with ever-slipping ratings, why the shit would you even bother?

Oh, and the reason Chuck and all these other shows on NBC were on the bubble? Fucking Jay Leno. He has a 10 o'clock slot now. Give it a rest, Leno. I thought you were funny when I was 14, but now your giggling and repetition of jokes makes me want to drive a rusty nail into my urethra so my anguished screams will drown out your bullshit monologues. What a dick.

I want to finish by telling, not asking, you all to watch Chuck and you won't be disappointed. Maybe if you cut out on of the three episodes of CSI (CSI, CSI MIAMI, CSI: NY) you're watching, you'll give this show a chance.

Oh, and you're safe for this season, Zucker. I'll review your case again next year.

having their cake and eating it too.

Don't misunderstand me, I love cake. However, I hate being lied to, or not being lied to so much as duped and made to play the fool. The Fox network strikes me as a brazen company that feeds the buck-toothed American public with the television equivalent of fast food. You've all heard of those bullshit shows like WILDEST COP CHASES CAUGHT ON FILM!!!! It's like, how many more fucking cop chases can I watch? If you've seen one, you've seen them all. Instead of releasing the hotly anticipated CRAZIEST RAPES EVER CAUGHT ON CAMERA!!! they stuck with shows that I feel are very good but have betrayed me this season- House and Bones.

House- House is a good show because House is a genius and a prick. If he were just a genius the show would suck. Anyway, this season was pretty inconsistent altogether but I leapt for joy when House and Cuddy (who, by the way is the finest looking Jewish woman over 40 on television) finally fucked. This was a storyline that had been simmering all season. I had been reading about it all over spoiler sites and blogs (yes, I do love a good spoiler). The episode after they bang sees House trying to get Cuddy to acknowledge their tryst but she doesn't even react. He doesn't understand why until near the very end of the episode when we are made aware that the final, squeal-inducing scenes of the previous episode had all been a fucking hallucination. House and Cuddy didn't have sex, in fact, that whole thing was a hallucination caused by Vicodin addiction.

Fox - 1 Viewer - 0

Bones- Bones has been great this season. The chemistry between Booth (David Boreanaz) and Brennan (Emily Deschanel - GORGEOUS) has been slow building (a couple minutes at the end of each episode is devoted to sort of furthering their love) and incredible. It's obvious these two have strong feelings for one another and they play it in a very believable way. A sex scene between the two was promised this season and hyped and spoiled at least once a week on the blogs. So when Brennan asks Booth to impregnate her, via a sperm sample, he has to confront all these feelings in one of the most touching episodes of television I've ever seen. Soon Booth starts hallucinating - oh, fuck, here we go - and seeing Stewie from Family Guy (another Fox property. Hey, synergy). At the end of the penultimate episode of the season we find out, along with everyone else, that Booth has a brain tumor. Operable and benign. Thank God. It should be noted that I fucking wept during this episode. Cut to the finale, every role is reversed and it's quite obviously a dream. Oh, of course. Anyway, Booth and Brennan are married and very, very in love. There is a sex scene. Oh joy of joys! But we know this cannot last. At the end of the finale, you find out that Brennan has been writing the annoying voice-over that bookends the episode as sort of a love letter to an unconscious Booth. A Booth that has been in a coma for four days, which seems pretty light as far as comas go. Brennan is overjoyed. The man she loves was in danger of dying and now he's awake and fine. Oh, except he's lost his fucking memory. This is a fairly blunt 'game changer.' Something that will invigorate the show with new life. Booth won't remember anything about his love, Bones, until probably halfway through the next season, whereas Bones will suffer and pine for Booth until his memory comes back. Good one, Fox.

Fox - 2 Viewer - 0

This feels like betrayal because they know that fans of this show have been waiting for a Booth/Bones hookup since the beginning of the show and House/Cuddy fans since at least season 3. And the thing is that both shows promised to deliver on the sex in their finales and while they did so, they immediately took away the warm and fuzzy feeling that accompanied it. It's like what's been happening on Smallville since the dawn of time: Clark will expose his secret in one episode and by the end of it he's used a ring to go back in time and never make the same mistake again. The shows offer fans a taste of what things could be like and then yank the rug out from underneath them. It's bullshit. But it's understandable bullshit. I would love Bones even if Booth and Bones hooked up because I'm sure they could make it fresh, but there would be no more anticipation. And without the sexual tension between two main characters in a television show, you may as well hang it up because I think that's what people tune in for. I know that the last few minutes of every episode of Bones is my favorite because it offers the most character exposition and it's where the heart of the show is. Don't get me wrong, I'm still pissed and annoyed, but I can also understand it. We all know Booth and Bones will end up together in the end, though the verdict is still out on House and Cuddy.

the movies i must see this summer make me a douche

My seasonal metamorphosis has begun. Every summer since the dawn of time, I, someone with admittedly un-mainstream (tut tut) tastes, transform into a 'bro' with a deep tan, rippling abs, spiky gelled hair with frosted tips and a barbwire tattoo wrapping around my perpetually bulging bicep. At least, that's what I feel like. And what makes me feel this way is the movies that come out during the summer. For the blissful summer months (May-Sept) I will crave the mainstream. In my youth I used to crave summer movies. My friends and I would get our parents to drive us to go a real summer blockbuster and we would love every single, soul-sucking second of it. These days, someone like myself, someone who has crafted a very singular persona around his tastes, it brings less joy as I am put in the position of the person who says stuff like "Transformers 2 looks fucking sweet," or, "Michael Bay does all right with these movies. Maybe we can forgive him for past mistakes?" Those are things that someone like me should never say. But say it I shall. The reality is that I spend 9 out of the 12 months in a year thinking about the deeper meanings in most of the movies I see. For once I don't want to have to Wiki a movie after I watch it (I'm looking at you, Lynch). There's no fucking way I'm going to Wiki Transformers 2 after I force my friends to come see it with me. I'll never be wondering if the all spark (?) is a metaphor for the inherent darkness of man being foisted on machines. I won't because that's not the goal. The goal is to see shit go boom. And for these 3 glorious months, an explosion will be an explosion. Not a phallic representation of man trying to penetrate Mother Earth. So, without further ado, I present to you my summer movie list.

1. Wolverine - I saw it when it leaked online. It was really bad. Thank god I didn't start off the summer movie season with that piece of shit.
Verdict - Shit

2. Star Trek - I have never been a Star Trek fan, except for when I watched Voyager with my mom. Even then, it wasn't about the Star Trek Universe, it was just about me being young and wanting to watch television with my mother. We also watched the series "Sliders" (it was the first time I ever heard the words "son of a bitch" on the television. I think it was when Jerry O'Connell was punching a dinosaur in the face.) Either way, this movie looks very good and RT agrees with a staggering 94%, making it the highest rated movie in wide release. For now.
Verdict - Really fucking good

3. Terminator Salvation - Seeing anything with Bale these days makes me second-guess myself because I hate it when actors act like douches to the 'little guy'. I see a DP as a little guy in the movie-making process. So while it's true that Bale is seven different kinds of a cunt, this movie has Bryce Dallas Howard. And I love her. Oh, plus it's Terminator. I wonder if it turns out that John Connor is a terminator. That would be stupid. Or it would turn out that without John Connor there would be no resistance, but there would also be no SkyNet. I really enjoyed all three movies (but the graphics in 1 made me shudder) and the now-canceled television show, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. AFTERTHOUGHT: Can we trust McG? I remain dubious.
Verdict - Sukt

4. UP - You can just never go wrong with Pixar. These mofos hit the mark everytime. Even with oddball premises like WALL-E, the plot of which I didn't even know until it was unfolding on the screen. WALL-E, to my surprise, turned out to be one of the most touching movies I've ever seen.

5. The Hangover - A lot of 'bros' are excited about this and so am I. It looks really fucking funny. You can never go wrong with Galifinakis and a baby duo. Look for the buddy cop sequel starring those two to come out next summer. All kidding aside, whichever company is putting this out already ordered a sequel. BEFORE IT OPENED. That's fucking confidence.

6. The Proposal - Anyone who knows me knows I love a good rom-com. Shit, I even love a bad rom-com. This looks to be a middling rom-com. Look for me to be there with my dick tucked in, just to blend in with the crowd.

7. Year One - Not a huge fan of Black, though I enjoyed School Of Rock. The big thing here is Cera. I want to see if he's growing as an actor. He has two of my favorite series' film adaptations coming out later this year (Scott Pilgrim and Youth in Revolt). In both of those movies he plays against his stereotypical awkward shy, guy-with-a-heart-of-gold unsuspecting hero. From what I've seen he doesn't really seem to break that mold. It'll still be worth seeing.

8. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen - I just really want to see this movie. Shia is always watchable and Michael Bay is always good for an explosion or two...zillion. He`s really funny, too. You should check out his twitter. I find Megan Fox annoying, but hot in a slutty way. Rainn Wilson is also in it, so there`s some mild indie cred. This movie also sees the parents becoming more involved and realizing Sam`s sort of destiny and all these insane things he does with cars that are sentient. The part where he goes crazy at school after touching that shard looks immensely enjoyable. I`ll be smiling the entire time.

9. Public Enemies - What I said about Bale stands, but I won`t let him drag Depp down. I haven`t really been looking forward to this, but I am interested to see what it`s about. Because, believe it or not, I haven`t read any shit about it. Ever.

10. Bruno - Borat was good, but hearing everyone talk in a gay-boy voice all summer and well into 2010 is going to be a fucking pain in the ass.

11. I Love You, Beth Cooper - Funny book. I don`t know about the actors they chose, but Hayden Panettiere is okay. What I`m trying to say is that I would stick it in her, given the opportunity.

12. (500) Days of Summer - Zooey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon-Levitt in a romantic drama...yes please! It will be the only vaguely independent movie I see all summer in the theater. Look for Zooey to play Zooey, as per usual.

13. Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince - I literally started foaming at the mouth during the trailers. The WB are a wild pack of cocksuckers for pushing this back so far, but I doubt I will have any hard feelings while watching it, other than the hard feeling in my pants. Seriously, this looks really good. It`s the only summer movie I will attend a midnight screening for.

14. Funny People - I am excited to see all these funny people in one place. Seth Rogen, Jason Schwartzman, Jonah Hill and Aziz Ansari (who is my friend on facebook!), are all very, very funny. But Adam Sandler is a wildcard. He could ruin the movie or he could just detract from it slightly. Nice to see Eric Bana branching out from the Hulk and a murderous Jew.

15. GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra - I can`t even explain why I want to see this. It will probably be very bad. Although, I do want to see Joseph Gordon-Levitt in it. They`ve kept the look of his character very secret.

16. The Time Traveler`s Wife - I haven`t read the book, but I want to. It looks interesting, at least.

17. Inglourious Basterds - Eager to see anything by QT that has Brad Pitt playing something other than a hunky guy put in a weird situation where he can be very good-looking. Fuck you, Pitt!

There you have it. The 17 stages of my metamorphosis. Come Septemeber we can have deep discussions about the merits of Japanese Cinema vs the superficial, morally desiccated Western Cinema.

get your subversive social commentary out of my pornography! or...wait...

Whenever I troll the darkened alleyways of the internet in search of illicit materials I am looking for a relatively quick, ultimately empty physical release. I am not looking to laugh, to cry or to even think. My range of thought when viewing pornography should be limited to "wow, this is a really long web address to type with one hand." That's why whenever a piece of smut makes me stop and ponder the 'deeper meaning' of sexual intercourse, I know it has failed me. I came across such a 'film' a little while ago and it has stuck with me. It was the funniest, saddest and most ironic piece of porn I've ever seen. Though, that kind of title is not hard to attain. The jokes in porn are along the lines of, and I think I may be quoting directly here:

"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"Suck my dick."
(Cue porn music)

The porn I saw is funniest when viewed as the most ironic porn ever made, full of middle to lower class social commentary and it is saddest when viewed as two bored people fucking. I'll provide you with a vivid description and let you share in my pain.

It takes place in a bedroom that is painfully 90's. The carpet is dark green and comforter on the double bed has a big floral print splashed across it. A handycam, through which all of this is viewed, is set up in the corner of the room, focused on the bed. Enter the moderately attractive middle-aged wife. She takes her clothes off. Her body is okay but she should have been shorn, much as a sheep is, before the filming of this. She gets onto the bed. The springs whine, realizing what is forthcoming. Enter the husband. Undoubtedly dressed in his Sunday best: a pair of grey sweatpants and a white t-shirt. He pulls his sweatpants off and the wife sucks his dick. After a fairly boring blowjob, he tells her to bend over. Fuck reciprocation. I feel for the husband, though, as finding the clitoris would have been a needle in a haystack scenario. Here's where the shit starts to unravel. He grabs the remote for the tv (off camera) and turns it on. All right, now they can fuck. He puts it in her and she gamely receives him. (I got that last sentence off the description of an unrelated video and thought it was hilarious because gamely means heroically. Who heroically takes a dick?) The television isn't really a factor until your consciousness picks up on it. The voice is eerily familiar. Whose voice is that? If you guess the guy that narrated the 'Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous' then you would be correct. So while these two painfully middle-class people are fucking, they are both watching--honestly their eyes rarely leave the direction of the screen--a Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous episode itemizing every posession Arnold Schwarzanegger owns. His garage--no doubt larger than the fucking couples house--is being narrated as the man comes.

The juxtaposition is haunting.

Afterward, the man pulls out of his wife, pulls up his sweatpants and continues to watch the show.

Note to the internet: I don't want to be depressed when I'm looking at porn. Thanks.

blogs are weird.

As a scion of the internet era, it would stand to reason that I own and operate a blog. In fact, in starting this blog, I leave my first blog in my wake. If I focus I can see it off in the distance, wheezing and malnourished. It was a twisted experiment in the vein of Frankenstein's monster. It was the dreaded music blog. A fucking music blog. My mom has a fucking music blog now. My dogs have music blogs. There is nothing to be had in a music blog. You post a link and maybe a little description of what you think about the album above. It is a thankless and possibly dangerous profession-- I'm sure you've all heard of the guy who posted the Guns et Roses album and the FBI sunk his fucking battleship. What a horrible thing to go to jail for. To be sodomized day in and day out for posting a middling piece of fucking shit is to languish in some hell I can only dream about. After repeated e-mails from the semi-polite and vaguely threatening WEBSHERRIF, I decided enough was enough. Fuck the WEBSHERRIF and fuck my music blog. However, I should note that I still love music blogs like bolachas and iamrare, but it just isn't for me. I'll leave it to the professionals with premium rapidshare accounts and an unerring sense of moral justice.

There is something strange about blogging without links to music preceded by superficial thoughts about said linked music. There were very few personal posts on my wretched music blog. If you think about it, blogs that aren't about music are about--for better or worse-- the author. I am free to blog about puppies, my favorite recipes for vegan eggnog or how tough it is to retain my sense of uniquity as a middle-aged housewife deteriorating in suburbia. They are diaries 2.0. Fuck pen and paper. There are no tiny heart-shaped locks on this blog. No equally tiny keys (that always get lost). There is no fear of repercussion because you don't know me. If someone were to find a physical diary, say, in my room, then some shit would go down because they would know the author and they would read all the mean things I had to say about them. I'm hoisting the blessed anonymity of the internet as one may hoist a shield. From behind this shield I am not only able to, but prepared to scream about all the shit that flows through my physiologically sound, psychologically disturbed mind. Let this blog be your conduit to someone far more interesting, unique, handsome, and generally pissed off than you are--me.