is milo the future of gaming/technology?

One must always take care when writing about video games. To most people it probably seems like a pretty innocuous topic, but to gamers, it's quite a volatile subject. Sidestepping fanboys that will drop everything in order to take up the shield emblazoned with the logo of either Sony, Nintendo or Microsoft is a difficult task even when attempted by the most soft-spoken of writers. Soft-spoken I'm not.

The Electronic Entertainment Expo (E3) is always an exciting time for gamers. E3 offers insight into the direction technology will be heading in the future and reveals some of the most anticipated games of the next year from the biggest companies in the industry. Being a gamer, I follow E3 fairly closely every year and I've always been excited to the point of arousal by some of the announcements, but never before has my jaw come unhinged and hit the fake mahogany finish of my desk. Such was the case with one of the most interesting announcements since it was announced that the Wii would use motion controls. I'm talking about Milo.

Milo is, essentially, a very sophisticated piece of AI in the form of a young boy. You interact with Milo by utilizing Microsoft's cutting edge Project Natal camera device. Project Natal allows you to interact with a game by using your entire body instead of just your sweaty, calloused fingers. If you're having trouble understanding what exactly that means: if you see a soccer ball coming at you, move your leg and you have kicked it. Milo incorporates facial recognition, voice recognition and even color recognition. What's most impressive/terrifying about Milo is that he has a memory and feelings. By identifying the unique tone of voice one uses when telling a joke, Milo will laugh. When using nervous mannerisms, Milo will inquire as to what's troubling you. And, probably the most jaw-dropping detail of all, when a reviewer told Milo that he was standing with Peter Molyneux (the developer of Milo), Milo sighed. As Milo's creator, I imagine Milo has spent hundreds of hours with Molyneux and the sigh is like, "when is he not standing around me?"

It's hard to get too excited about Milo because Peter Molyneux is developing it. Anyone who has taken an interest in gaming beyond shoving the disc into the console probably knows about Molyneux and sort of smirks whenever they hear his name in the news when he's hyping a new project. The fact is that Molyneux was something of a messiah many years ago when he was working on a game called Fable. He promised gamers a lot of things that he didn't deliver on. Fast forward to The Movies, same thing. Fable 2, same thing, though to a far lesser extent than Fable and The Movies. He always described his product with a wild gleam in his eyes, using words like groundbreaking, revolutionary, earth shattering, and urethra tearing. It appears as if Molyneux has learned his lesson, though. He kept his mouth shut about Milo for quite a long time (for him) and when he did speak about it, you could see he was excited about it, but his mouth wasn't frothing and he didn't say anything about trees aging with your character (a la Fable).

Molyneux has gone on record as saying that Milo would, indeed, be a game. I'm not sure if I like the idea of that. Milo is an eight year old boy and, by and large, I hate eight year old boys. It has also been revealed that if interacting with an eight year old boy isn't your cup of tea (which it isn't), then you also have the option of interacting with an eight year old girl named Millie. Awesome! Now I cannot wait. I'm kidding, of course. What has yet to be revealed is whether or not Millie just shouts nonsensical pieces of dialogue from Hannah Montana at you or sings Jonas Brothers songs out of key, as my inferior (i.e. human) eight year old sister does.

Even though Milo isn't finished and there will probably be bugs and glitches, that does not mean the technology isn't new and, to say the very least, interesting. I remember when the iPod first came out, there were a ton of glitches, but look at it now. The current generation iteration is barely recognizable when compared with the first generation model. It's gone from the size of a sandwich to slightly larger than a pack of gum. It's akin to looking at our early ancestors and then looking in the mirror. To me, Milo could symbolize something huge. Imagine playing an RPG where characters recognize you and your facial expressions and tone of voice guide social encounters. God, I moisten at the very thought! I'm not saying this will ever happen in my lifetime, or ever, but a nerd can dream, can't he?

discrepancies.

Whenever I have high expectations for something, or feel my expectations mounting, the voice of my ex-girlfriend screeches into my skull, a spectre that forever haunts my gray matter. She told me that no matter what my expectations were, I would universally be disappointed. And as treacherous a woman as she was, she could not have been more correct. I didn't realize it at the time, but she was basically outlining the whole foundation of our relationship. The burgeoning relationship I had such high hopes for imploded after one bonnie and clyde-esque, hallucinogen-fueled night filled with misdemeanor felonies involving three gallons of A1 steak sauce and a transient hooker. One criminal record and a broken heart later, I have try to not have expectations of anything. Without any expectations, it's impossible to be let down. However, I couldn't help but feel a slight pang of disappointment. Perhaps the word disappointment is too strong; it would be more accurate to say they weren't what I expected. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, in fact, it was sort of refreshing, but it was fairly evident that not everyone enjoyed the show.

I don't want to go into great detail about the mute, holier than thou, 'experimental' (see: shitty) 'band' that preceded Animal Collective. It was just a woman with a bunch of tapes and tape decks, a looping device, a frown and a guitar that she barely played. What I do want to say is that people actually clapped for her and I can't tell if they clapped because it was bad and they wanted to seem as if they appreciated it because it was 'real art' or if they clapped out of the goodness of their hearts. Either way, after people clapped and howled for her, she just walked off the stage. Look, I know being a pretentious bitch is probably an acceptable professional persona in the world of really bad music, but honestly if you don't even say thanks to the people wasting their time watching you be unique, then you can go fuck yourself. And, yeah, when I clapped sardonically for you, it was a gentleman's middle finger.

To me, Animal Collective are more artists than musicians. That sentence sounds like it should be followed with a painfully contrived comment about my favorite year for wine or about the unimaginable depths in Albert Camus' (pronounced with a French flair) criminally short story, L'etranger or, The Stranger, for the uninitiated. You'll get no such comments from me, though. The reason behind my viewpoint is fairly straight across: I've never heard a band layer so many different sounds on top of each other to create a beat that is as comprehensive, luminous, and frenetic as Animal Collective's are. It evokes the feeling of being lost in a sea of sound yet always having something solid to latch onto.

I remember a friend of mine telling me before the concert that a lot of their songs were improvised and sometimes they just played a lot of new stuff with only a few of the songs being devoted to stuff off the album they're touring. He was right about the first part, whereas I imagine the only reason he was wrong about the second is because of the steadily increasing popularity of Animal Collective. They can't go back to their roots of screaming unintelligibly into microphones and pouring milk all over each other anymore, unfortunately. Although I'm sure their more la-de-da fanbase would love this high concept art, rich in both metaphor and calcium.

As I said before, my expectations are never high, BUT when I go to a concert, I expect to hear the songs I heard on the record. Probably because at 99.9% of the live shows I've been to, that's what happens. I long to recognize the song and sing along with it in my signature falsetto. However, since Animal Collective improvise a lot of their sound during their live show it has an almost disorienting effect. There would be rambling interludes of laser sounds and rhythmic chanting that lasted almost five minutes before they would morph it into a song. It might sound as if I'm excoriating them for it, but I happen to think that's a big part of their genius. There would be a tangle of sound but then a tiny drum beat would flit in and out of the noise, barely there, and before it dawned on you, it had become the instantly recognizable opening drum beat of Fireworks. Picture it as starting a sculpture with a huge block of marble (or whatever) and chipping pieces off until a basic shape was created and then refining it until it was something beautiful.

Sure, they played a couple of my favorites like Brothersport and Fireworks, but they often changed the tempo of the songs and added little bits to it. I didn't mind it, personally. I was just there to see these guys go buck ass wild, which I did see. But you could tell a lot of people felt, I don't know, betrayed, perhaps?

ps. that's a picture I took of the geologist.

damaging sterotypes, or why fox news is filled to the brim with ignorant c-words.

Normally I'm not one of those people that are like, "Oh, Fox News, what are you doing?" in an exasperated tone. I'm one of the people that views Fox News as, in essence, the Duke brothers. Every week they get themselves into some sort of bucket of syrup and it'll be entertaining to watch them wiggle their way out of it. I know they've been a bad steward of the news for the slack jawed American public and I don't mind that because I think if I put a dish of excrement in front of you and you eat it, it's your own goddamn fault. However, I was on Yahoo! of all places a couple nights ago when I saw one of their front page stories "WHICH PROFESSION MAKES THE BEST LOVERS!" Naturally, my interest was piqued. When I clicked the link, instead of being taken to a page of text as I had hoped would be the case (honestly, for a question like this I only need one word, or two if it was dental hygenist or something), I was taken to a video for Fox News instead. I was immediately assaulted by this smug-looking chubby guy who looks like he's trying to age gracefully. He has his hair gelled up into spikes, which I always take as a phallic compensation, the top two buttons of his shirt are undone to indicate that he's cool and that he's into partying on nights when Matlock isn't on. He looks like the kind of person that, in apropos of nothing, says INTERNET! or SKATEBOARD! during normal conversation just to show how 'in touch' he is. He probably describes himself as controversial and unapologetic and 'real'. In short, he's a real douche.

To give you an idea of how stupid this person is, his first line is "Do the geeks inherit the skirts?" At this point, I calmly retrieved the pistol I keep in my desk drawer, put it into my mouth, pulled the hammer back and painted the wall behind me with my beautiful, beautiful brain. Obviously, unfortunately, that wasn't the case, though, I wish it were. The next thing he says--this time to his co-host--some bleach blonde woman with this thoroughly-fucked glazed over look in her eyes-- is, "according to this study, 81% of IT professionals said that their pleasure was secondary to their partner's pleasure. Why do you think that?" The fact that he posed this woman a question is hilarious because it becomes evident that, clearly, this woman doesn't think. At all. Ever. Her reasoning is that IT professionals are just so excited to have sex that they want ensure a repeat performance by making sure everyone's needs are fulfilled. There are a number of problems with this statement. First, I think it's just good manners to make sure everyone is having fun during sex. I assume she isn't fucking the IT department (in fact, they probably all revile her wretched soul), so then is it also safe to assume that she's never been pleased during sex? She's probably a cadaverous lay and the husband that she married for money no doubt drapes himself over her like a wet pile of laundry and shoots a load of dust into her. Secondly, I was hoping that we'd moved past this whole nerds don't mesh well with women, etc. bullshit. Sure, we're a socially awkward bunch. Some more than others, but the fundamental nature of people is that they'll have sex with whoever they want to have sex with. It's sort of antediluvian to say or think, "oh, man I'm only going to have sex with people that are confined to a certain group of individuals..."

I tried to convince my friend that this was racist, but she wasn't buying it and I guess I can understand the reasoning behind her decision, because nerds aren't a race. But it's still a form of prejudice based on spurious stereotypes.

Then he asks this other guy, who looks like a chubby tanned baby with a receding hairline, why he thinks 'nerds' make the best lovers and not gym rats that have so much energy and are so awesome, etc. I'm surprised the word sex is even in this munchkin's lexicon. The repugnant munchkin says he doesn't know why nerds make the best lovers and instead does this impression of a nerd asking if they should get down at his mother's basement or her mother's basement. He should spend less time mocking the question no nerd would ever ask and ponder the only question he ever has to ask in a sexual relationship - "How much for the night?"

The host appears to ask his only semi-intelligent question during the last minute of the segment by asking this 'author' named Ron, who, again, is a chubby grey-haired babyman in glasses, if he thinks that narcissism ruins all forms of human interaction. A valid question... UNTIL he says that it's about people with smaller egos thinking they have to perform better in bed. Sigh. So close. Anyway, the guy answers with this stupid story about how he's slept with the ugliest women on earth that he had to bring in through the fire escape, yet, it was these women that gave themselves wholly over in a bid to pleasure this terrestrial porpoise.

One of the people, and I use that term loosely, says that it was like Ron was helping these women by having sex with them. If anything, sir, I would consider having sex with Ron a disservice to women.

The woman then comes in with a zinger: "But could she set up your wi-fi?" Oh! Glad to see the vapid bitch brought her A-game tonight!

If you thought this segment couldn't get any dumber or offensive, you were wrong! Because in the last 15 seconds, they crank this shit to eleven. They cut to a talking...newspaper? The newspaper says that the study showed that people who frequented the gym were less likely to use sex toys. The reason for this, according to the newspaper? Because they don't need to. Because people who go the gym have stamina and don't get tired after 'the first thrust' and that maybe nerds should frequent the gym.

I'm foaming at the mouth now, gnashing at anything that moves. I'm a human old yeller. Waiting for someone to shoot me behind the barn so I never have to witness what stupid shit people will get up to when they have an audience ever again.

Hit the link if you want to experience it for yourself:

Frustrating Bullshit

hell on earth.

Every couple months I venture out into the vast expanse to go shopping. Sometimes it's for small things like underoos or sockies, but yesterday it was for "summer wear." And my definition of summer wear is not shorts with radical floral prints on them. My definition is "i don't want pants that make me feel sorry to have testicles." I live with that shit for 9 out of 12 months of the year, but the combination of summer and my signature dark denim nut crunchers just does not mesh. I wanted khakis. I went to H&M and instead of finding khakis I found the largest panic attack I'd ever had.

As soon as you cross the threshold into this nega-realm, it's like you've pried open the hellmouth only to find that dwelling inside is, instead of demons dwelling and the sounds of the damned howling in eternal pain, trendy asians and white people trying to be trendy and techno music that sounds like it is pumping inside your fucking skull like a live organism writhing in time with the repetetive beat. I know that sounds hyperbolic, but it is true! The place could not be any more fucking packed. The place is essentially two lines. One line for people waiting to pay and one line waiting to try shit on. And there are two or three people actually shopping in between. Picture a really popular store, like a Future Shop or something, on boxing day. It's all lineup and screaming and grabbing hands and the sound of money. Every day is like this at H&M. In fact, I heard a woman, a woman who didn't belong in H&M say to a flustered employee (who is ALWAYS flustered), "Is it always this busy?" The flustered employee smiled grimly and said "Yes."

That said, the shit there is nice and relatively inexpensive, which is, I'm sure, why it's so goddamn popular. If I can get an electric blue polo, 2 (TWO!) sweater vests and short-sleeved button down plaid shirt for under $75 then that's it. There's nothing more. They have me. The polo is really great. Too great, in fact. I think i may have to go back in for a couple more. They're designed in a really cool way in that the armpit of the shirt doesn't really fit snugly in your armpit, so you can't see it if you're sweating. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm sweating all the time, just when it's really hot or when i'm panicking. I guess it would be a nice gesture to wear the polo next time I go to H&M so you can't see that i'm shedding pounds in panicked sweat. Though, I guess you'll still be able to see the bulging veins glistening with fear standing out on my forehead.

the movies i must see this summer make me a douche

My seasonal metamorphosis has begun. Every summer since the dawn of time, I, someone with admittedly un-mainstream (tut tut) tastes, transform into a 'bro' with a deep tan, rippling abs, spiky gelled hair with frosted tips and a barbwire tattoo wrapping around my perpetually bulging bicep. At least, that's what I feel like. And what makes me feel this way is the movies that come out during the summer. For the blissful summer months (May-Sept) I will crave the mainstream. In my youth I used to crave summer movies. My friends and I would get our parents to drive us to go a real summer blockbuster and we would love every single, soul-sucking second of it. These days, someone like myself, someone who has crafted a very singular persona around his tastes, it brings less joy as I am put in the position of the person who says stuff like "Transformers 2 looks fucking sweet," or, "Michael Bay does all right with these movies. Maybe we can forgive him for past mistakes?" Those are things that someone like me should never say. But say it I shall. The reality is that I spend 9 out of the 12 months in a year thinking about the deeper meanings in most of the movies I see. For once I don't want to have to Wiki a movie after I watch it (I'm looking at you, Lynch). There's no fucking way I'm going to Wiki Transformers 2 after I force my friends to come see it with me. I'll never be wondering if the all spark (?) is a metaphor for the inherent darkness of man being foisted on machines. I won't because that's not the goal. The goal is to see shit go boom. And for these 3 glorious months, an explosion will be an explosion. Not a phallic representation of man trying to penetrate Mother Earth. So, without further ado, I present to you my summer movie list.

1. Wolverine - I saw it when it leaked online. It was really bad. Thank god I didn't start off the summer movie season with that piece of shit.
Verdict - Shit

2. Star Trek - I have never been a Star Trek fan, except for when I watched Voyager with my mom. Even then, it wasn't about the Star Trek Universe, it was just about me being young and wanting to watch television with my mother. We also watched the series "Sliders" (it was the first time I ever heard the words "son of a bitch" on the television. I think it was when Jerry O'Connell was punching a dinosaur in the face.) Either way, this movie looks very good and RT agrees with a staggering 94%, making it the highest rated movie in wide release. For now.
Verdict - Really fucking good

3. Terminator Salvation - Seeing anything with Bale these days makes me second-guess myself because I hate it when actors act like douches to the 'little guy'. I see a DP as a little guy in the movie-making process. So while it's true that Bale is seven different kinds of a cunt, this movie has Bryce Dallas Howard. And I love her. Oh, plus it's Terminator. I wonder if it turns out that John Connor is a terminator. That would be stupid. Or it would turn out that without John Connor there would be no resistance, but there would also be no SkyNet. I really enjoyed all three movies (but the graphics in 1 made me shudder) and the now-canceled television show, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. AFTERTHOUGHT: Can we trust McG? I remain dubious.
Verdict - Sukt

4. UP - You can just never go wrong with Pixar. These mofos hit the mark everytime. Even with oddball premises like WALL-E, the plot of which I didn't even know until it was unfolding on the screen. WALL-E, to my surprise, turned out to be one of the most touching movies I've ever seen.

5. The Hangover - A lot of 'bros' are excited about this and so am I. It looks really fucking funny. You can never go wrong with Galifinakis and a baby duo. Look for the buddy cop sequel starring those two to come out next summer. All kidding aside, whichever company is putting this out already ordered a sequel. BEFORE IT OPENED. That's fucking confidence.

6. The Proposal - Anyone who knows me knows I love a good rom-com. Shit, I even love a bad rom-com. This looks to be a middling rom-com. Look for me to be there with my dick tucked in, just to blend in with the crowd.

7. Year One - Not a huge fan of Black, though I enjoyed School Of Rock. The big thing here is Cera. I want to see if he's growing as an actor. He has two of my favorite series' film adaptations coming out later this year (Scott Pilgrim and Youth in Revolt). In both of those movies he plays against his stereotypical awkward shy, guy-with-a-heart-of-gold unsuspecting hero. From what I've seen he doesn't really seem to break that mold. It'll still be worth seeing.

8. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen - I just really want to see this movie. Shia is always watchable and Michael Bay is always good for an explosion or two...zillion. He`s really funny, too. You should check out his twitter. I find Megan Fox annoying, but hot in a slutty way. Rainn Wilson is also in it, so there`s some mild indie cred. This movie also sees the parents becoming more involved and realizing Sam`s sort of destiny and all these insane things he does with cars that are sentient. The part where he goes crazy at school after touching that shard looks immensely enjoyable. I`ll be smiling the entire time.

9. Public Enemies - What I said about Bale stands, but I won`t let him drag Depp down. I haven`t really been looking forward to this, but I am interested to see what it`s about. Because, believe it or not, I haven`t read any shit about it. Ever.

10. Bruno - Borat was good, but hearing everyone talk in a gay-boy voice all summer and well into 2010 is going to be a fucking pain in the ass.

11. I Love You, Beth Cooper - Funny book. I don`t know about the actors they chose, but Hayden Panettiere is okay. What I`m trying to say is that I would stick it in her, given the opportunity.

12. (500) Days of Summer - Zooey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon-Levitt in a romantic drama...yes please! It will be the only vaguely independent movie I see all summer in the theater. Look for Zooey to play Zooey, as per usual.

13. Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince - I literally started foaming at the mouth during the trailers. The WB are a wild pack of cocksuckers for pushing this back so far, but I doubt I will have any hard feelings while watching it, other than the hard feeling in my pants. Seriously, this looks really good. It`s the only summer movie I will attend a midnight screening for.

14. Funny People - I am excited to see all these funny people in one place. Seth Rogen, Jason Schwartzman, Jonah Hill and Aziz Ansari (who is my friend on facebook!), are all very, very funny. But Adam Sandler is a wildcard. He could ruin the movie or he could just detract from it slightly. Nice to see Eric Bana branching out from the Hulk and a murderous Jew.

15. GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra - I can`t even explain why I want to see this. It will probably be very bad. Although, I do want to see Joseph Gordon-Levitt in it. They`ve kept the look of his character very secret.

16. The Time Traveler`s Wife - I haven`t read the book, but I want to. It looks interesting, at least.

17. Inglourious Basterds - Eager to see anything by QT that has Brad Pitt playing something other than a hunky guy put in a weird situation where he can be very good-looking. Fuck you, Pitt!

There you have it. The 17 stages of my metamorphosis. Come Septemeber we can have deep discussions about the merits of Japanese Cinema vs the superficial, morally desiccated Western Cinema.