RULE #34

After spending 40 days and 40 nights on the top of Mount Sinai, Moses was given two stone tablets inscribed with a number of commandments, ten being the most agreed upon number. When Moses descended Mount Sinai only to find his people involved in the sin of the Golden Calf, he smashed the original tablets out of anger. Later, god said that he would give Moses some new tablets; all he would have to do is spend another 40 days and 40 nights at the top of Mount Sinai again. Moses did so and was given another ten commandments. End of story, right? Wrong. Conspiracy theorists around the globe believe that the first tablets Moses was given contained a different set of rules, specifically internet rules. God, being unaffected by space or time simply got confused and gave Moses the wrong rules. Archaeologists in Tunisia have discovered fragments of these first tablets and have been able to piece together something called Rule #34; the rule we will be discussing at length today, particularly the area of slash fiction.

Rule #34 states that “if it exists, there is porn of it.” On the tablets Moses got, it probably sounded something like this: “if it exists, let there be porn of it.” After searching the internet for two goddamn seconds I have discovered that this rule is incontrovertible.

Slash fiction, for those of you who are blessedly unfamiliar with the term, is a genre of fan fiction that focuses on erotic encounters between two or more fictional characters and often disregards the canon of the series itself. For example, have you ever wondered what it would have been like if, in the Harry Potter series of novels, Harry and Draco/Harry and Snape/Harry and Ron had been involved in sexual relationships with each other? Personally, I wasn’t picking up the homoerotic vibe from those characters, but it seems a lot of people were and are capitalizing on their very loose grip on the English language and reality by writing lengthy pieces of fiction about Harry Potter getting detention in Severus Snape’s S&M dungeon where he will be forced take it in the dark mark repeatedly by a sexually rabid Snape.
To a seasoned veteran of the internet, this strikes me as odd, but acceptable and while it alone doesn’t prove Rule #34, this next example does (and all of this is real, mind you): Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy are lovers that also solve mysteries, but this time they’ve come upon something that even they can’t solve: Aliens! Enter Agent K and Agent J from the Men in Black movie, also lovers; together they will team up with the wizard lovers and solve this mystery once and for all. The. Men. In. Black. Seriously?

This phenomenon does not only extend to the Harry Potter franchise, though. There is slash fiction about Twilight, because what if Edward and Jacob hooked up is the one question that rivals “what is the meaning of life?” Slash fiction has also extended its dark tendrils toward the Whedon universe with Angel, Buffy, and Firefly stories. Also, it should be noted that even childhood classics were not left alone as Disney movies are often used, including the classic movie, Homeward Bound. Nothing is sacred anymore.

Why all the information about Rule #34, you might ask? Well, because I wanted you to know what you’re up against. You are not safe. None of us are. The next time you’re looking out a window at a tree, its branches waving ever so slightly in the light summer breeze, remember, someone probably photoshopped a mouth onto that tree with a disembodied penis floating close by, poised to ejaculate white lines (courtesy of MS paint) at any second.