SUMMER SEX

Summer is traditionally the season most suited for mad passionate flings and devil may care intercourse, or at least this is what the media has led me to believe. The part that the media leaves out is just how much of a goddamn chore intercourse during the summer is. Thanks to the douche nozzles that own Hummers, the world is heating up and every summer is hotter than the last, so it falls to courageous pioneers like me to continually think outside the box in order to solve the problems that plague those of us who want to have sex during the summer, but would like to remain relatively comfortable.

Considering the fact that one is never sweatier than during the summer, my first suggestion would be to trim/remove lengthy pubic hair. This isn’t because it is more aerodynamically sound than retaining pubic hair, it is because hair traps odors. There is a reason men’s armpits smell worse than a woman’s, it is because of the hair. Trimming pubic hair reduces the likelihood of having your partner’s eyes water whilst reaching for the nose plugs. I’m not saying shave (or wax) all your pubic hair off if you don’t want to, I’m simply saying that you shouldn’t be gratuitous about pubic hair.

As a sub-clause to the above point, I would also suggest washing one’s genitals before engaging in foreplay, because there is nothing more detrimental to the mood than having to force your partner to go to the washroom and wash their fetid vagina/penis. It is a major turn-off to feel like you’re giving oral sex to Swamp Thing.

Secondly, I would consider investing in some season appropriate apparel. I know that when one thinks of sex, one does not think primarily of what they should be wearing, but we’re talking about summer sex, a type of sex that bows to no social norms. Wearing a sweatband during marathon sessions is a thoughtful preventative measure that will ensure you do not blind your partner with sweat dripping from your brow into his/her eye. Furthermore—and this may only apply to the men—when hunched like Gollum behind your partner, it is somewhat upsetting to hear the pitter patter of your sweat dripping onto your partner’s back.

Thirdly, as awesome as it sounds, please resist the urge to have sex in pools/hot tubs or lakes/ponds. In pools and hot tubs, the chemicals in the water reduce the amount of natural vaginal lubrication, causing plenty of discomfort for the female, not to mention that water (and the chemicals in it) is being forcefully pounded into the vagina, often leading to infection. Don’t even get me started on stray band-aids either. In ponds and lakes, there is quite a bit of bacteria, and my general rule, if I were a woman, would be, “if I won’t drink it, I won’t let it go in my vagina.” Also, small fish like minnow can find their way into the woman’s vagina and fertilize a woman’s egg, resulting in mutant fish babies. Beware!

Lastly, consider having sex in front of a fan or an AC unit. I know that sweat releases pheromones that your partner is subconsciously picking up on, but if you’re using sweat as lubricant, it may be time to rethink your position on air conditioning.