the movies i must see this summer make me a douche

My seasonal metamorphosis has begun. Every summer since the dawn of time, I, someone with admittedly un-mainstream (tut tut) tastes, transform into a 'bro' with a deep tan, rippling abs, spiky gelled hair with frosted tips and a barbwire tattoo wrapping around my perpetually bulging bicep. At least, that's what I feel like. And what makes me feel this way is the movies that come out during the summer. For the blissful summer months (May-Sept) I will crave the mainstream. In my youth I used to crave summer movies. My friends and I would get our parents to drive us to go a real summer blockbuster and we would love every single, soul-sucking second of it. These days, someone like myself, someone who has crafted a very singular persona around his tastes, it brings less joy as I am put in the position of the person who says stuff like "Transformers 2 looks fucking sweet," or, "Michael Bay does all right with these movies. Maybe we can forgive him for past mistakes?" Those are things that someone like me should never say. But say it I shall. The reality is that I spend 9 out of the 12 months in a year thinking about the deeper meanings in most of the movies I see. For once I don't want to have to Wiki a movie after I watch it (I'm looking at you, Lynch). There's no fucking way I'm going to Wiki Transformers 2 after I force my friends to come see it with me. I'll never be wondering if the all spark (?) is a metaphor for the inherent darkness of man being foisted on machines. I won't because that's not the goal. The goal is to see shit go boom. And for these 3 glorious months, an explosion will be an explosion. Not a phallic representation of man trying to penetrate Mother Earth. So, without further ado, I present to you my summer movie list.

1. Wolverine - I saw it when it leaked online. It was really bad. Thank god I didn't start off the summer movie season with that piece of shit.
Verdict - Shit

2. Star Trek - I have never been a Star Trek fan, except for when I watched Voyager with my mom. Even then, it wasn't about the Star Trek Universe, it was just about me being young and wanting to watch television with my mother. We also watched the series "Sliders" (it was the first time I ever heard the words "son of a bitch" on the television. I think it was when Jerry O'Connell was punching a dinosaur in the face.) Either way, this movie looks very good and RT agrees with a staggering 94%, making it the highest rated movie in wide release. For now.
Verdict - Really fucking good

3. Terminator Salvation - Seeing anything with Bale these days makes me second-guess myself because I hate it when actors act like douches to the 'little guy'. I see a DP as a little guy in the movie-making process. So while it's true that Bale is seven different kinds of a cunt, this movie has Bryce Dallas Howard. And I love her. Oh, plus it's Terminator. I wonder if it turns out that John Connor is a terminator. That would be stupid. Or it would turn out that without John Connor there would be no resistance, but there would also be no SkyNet. I really enjoyed all three movies (but the graphics in 1 made me shudder) and the now-canceled television show, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. AFTERTHOUGHT: Can we trust McG? I remain dubious.
Verdict - Sukt

4. UP - You can just never go wrong with Pixar. These mofos hit the mark everytime. Even with oddball premises like WALL-E, the plot of which I didn't even know until it was unfolding on the screen. WALL-E, to my surprise, turned out to be one of the most touching movies I've ever seen.

5. The Hangover - A lot of 'bros' are excited about this and so am I. It looks really fucking funny. You can never go wrong with Galifinakis and a baby duo. Look for the buddy cop sequel starring those two to come out next summer. All kidding aside, whichever company is putting this out already ordered a sequel. BEFORE IT OPENED. That's fucking confidence.

6. The Proposal - Anyone who knows me knows I love a good rom-com. Shit, I even love a bad rom-com. This looks to be a middling rom-com. Look for me to be there with my dick tucked in, just to blend in with the crowd.

7. Year One - Not a huge fan of Black, though I enjoyed School Of Rock. The big thing here is Cera. I want to see if he's growing as an actor. He has two of my favorite series' film adaptations coming out later this year (Scott Pilgrim and Youth in Revolt). In both of those movies he plays against his stereotypical awkward shy, guy-with-a-heart-of-gold unsuspecting hero. From what I've seen he doesn't really seem to break that mold. It'll still be worth seeing.

8. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen - I just really want to see this movie. Shia is always watchable and Michael Bay is always good for an explosion or two...zillion. He`s really funny, too. You should check out his twitter. I find Megan Fox annoying, but hot in a slutty way. Rainn Wilson is also in it, so there`s some mild indie cred. This movie also sees the parents becoming more involved and realizing Sam`s sort of destiny and all these insane things he does with cars that are sentient. The part where he goes crazy at school after touching that shard looks immensely enjoyable. I`ll be smiling the entire time.

9. Public Enemies - What I said about Bale stands, but I won`t let him drag Depp down. I haven`t really been looking forward to this, but I am interested to see what it`s about. Because, believe it or not, I haven`t read any shit about it. Ever.

10. Bruno - Borat was good, but hearing everyone talk in a gay-boy voice all summer and well into 2010 is going to be a fucking pain in the ass.

11. I Love You, Beth Cooper - Funny book. I don`t know about the actors they chose, but Hayden Panettiere is okay. What I`m trying to say is that I would stick it in her, given the opportunity.

12. (500) Days of Summer - Zooey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon-Levitt in a romantic drama...yes please! It will be the only vaguely independent movie I see all summer in the theater. Look for Zooey to play Zooey, as per usual.

13. Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince - I literally started foaming at the mouth during the trailers. The WB are a wild pack of cocksuckers for pushing this back so far, but I doubt I will have any hard feelings while watching it, other than the hard feeling in my pants. Seriously, this looks really good. It`s the only summer movie I will attend a midnight screening for.

14. Funny People - I am excited to see all these funny people in one place. Seth Rogen, Jason Schwartzman, Jonah Hill and Aziz Ansari (who is my friend on facebook!), are all very, very funny. But Adam Sandler is a wildcard. He could ruin the movie or he could just detract from it slightly. Nice to see Eric Bana branching out from the Hulk and a murderous Jew.

15. GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra - I can`t even explain why I want to see this. It will probably be very bad. Although, I do want to see Joseph Gordon-Levitt in it. They`ve kept the look of his character very secret.

16. The Time Traveler`s Wife - I haven`t read the book, but I want to. It looks interesting, at least.

17. Inglourious Basterds - Eager to see anything by QT that has Brad Pitt playing something other than a hunky guy put in a weird situation where he can be very good-looking. Fuck you, Pitt!

There you have it. The 17 stages of my metamorphosis. Come Septemeber we can have deep discussions about the merits of Japanese Cinema vs the superficial, morally desiccated Western Cinema.