hell on earth.

Every couple months I venture out into the vast expanse to go shopping. Sometimes it's for small things like underoos or sockies, but yesterday it was for "summer wear." And my definition of summer wear is not shorts with radical floral prints on them. My definition is "i don't want pants that make me feel sorry to have testicles." I live with that shit for 9 out of 12 months of the year, but the combination of summer and my signature dark denim nut crunchers just does not mesh. I wanted khakis. I went to H&M and instead of finding khakis I found the largest panic attack I'd ever had.

As soon as you cross the threshold into this nega-realm, it's like you've pried open the hellmouth only to find that dwelling inside is, instead of demons dwelling and the sounds of the damned howling in eternal pain, trendy asians and white people trying to be trendy and techno music that sounds like it is pumping inside your fucking skull like a live organism writhing in time with the repetetive beat. I know that sounds hyperbolic, but it is true! The place could not be any more fucking packed. The place is essentially two lines. One line for people waiting to pay and one line waiting to try shit on. And there are two or three people actually shopping in between. Picture a really popular store, like a Future Shop or something, on boxing day. It's all lineup and screaming and grabbing hands and the sound of money. Every day is like this at H&M. In fact, I heard a woman, a woman who didn't belong in H&M say to a flustered employee (who is ALWAYS flustered), "Is it always this busy?" The flustered employee smiled grimly and said "Yes."

That said, the shit there is nice and relatively inexpensive, which is, I'm sure, why it's so goddamn popular. If I can get an electric blue polo, 2 (TWO!) sweater vests and short-sleeved button down plaid shirt for under $75 then that's it. There's nothing more. They have me. The polo is really great. Too great, in fact. I think i may have to go back in for a couple more. They're designed in a really cool way in that the armpit of the shirt doesn't really fit snugly in your armpit, so you can't see it if you're sweating. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm sweating all the time, just when it's really hot or when i'm panicking. I guess it would be a nice gesture to wear the polo next time I go to H&M so you can't see that i'm shedding pounds in panicked sweat. Though, I guess you'll still be able to see the bulging veins glistening with fear standing out on my forehead.