Whenever I troll the darkened alleyways of the internet in search of illicit materials I am looking for a relatively quick, ultimately empty physical release. I am not looking to laugh, to cry or to even think. My range of thought when viewing pornography should be limited to "wow, this is a really long web address to type with one hand." That's why whenever a piece of smut makes me stop and ponder the 'deeper meaning' of sexual intercourse, I know it has failed me. I came across such a 'film' a little while ago and it has stuck with me. It was the funniest, saddest and most ironic piece of porn I've ever seen. Though, that kind of title is not hard to attain. The jokes in porn are along the lines of, and I think I may be quoting directly here:
"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"Suck my dick."
(Cue porn music)
The porn I saw is funniest when viewed as the most ironic porn ever made, full of middle to lower class social commentary and it is saddest when viewed as two bored people fucking. I'll provide you with a vivid description and let you share in my pain.
It takes place in a bedroom that is painfully 90's. The carpet is dark green and comforter on the double bed has a big floral print splashed across it. A handycam, through which all of this is viewed, is set up in the corner of the room, focused on the bed. Enter the moderately attractive middle-aged wife. She takes her clothes off. Her body is okay but she should have been shorn, much as a sheep is, before the filming of this. She gets onto the bed. The springs whine, realizing what is forthcoming. Enter the husband. Undoubtedly dressed in his Sunday best: a pair of grey sweatpants and a white t-shirt. He pulls his sweatpants off and the wife sucks his dick. After a fairly boring blowjob, he tells her to bend over. Fuck reciprocation. I feel for the husband, though, as finding the clitoris would have been a needle in a haystack scenario. Here's where the shit starts to unravel. He grabs the remote for the tv (off camera) and turns it on. All right, now they can fuck. He puts it in her and she gamely receives him. (I got that last sentence off the description of an unrelated video and thought it was hilarious because gamely means heroically. Who heroically takes a dick?) The television isn't really a factor until your consciousness picks up on it. The voice is eerily familiar. Whose voice is that? If you guess the guy that narrated the 'Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous' then you would be correct. So while these two painfully middle-class people are fucking, they are both watching--honestly their eyes rarely leave the direction of the screen--a Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous episode itemizing every posession Arnold Schwarzanegger owns. His garage--no doubt larger than the fucking couples house--is being narrated as the man comes.
The juxtaposition is haunting.
Afterward, the man pulls out of his wife, pulls up his sweatpants and continues to watch the show.
Note to the internet: I don't want to be depressed when I'm looking at porn. Thanks.
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I feel like something just died inside me.
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