TV

Last week I devoted the entire column to spitting venom at Jay Leno and NBC, and it was beautiful and cathartic. Unfortunately for us all, I can’t spend every week saying bad things about people on television that I don’t like (or else this week’s article would be about David Caruso). However, there is still news about mid-season premieres and shows returning from hiatus that I neglected to mention in previous weeks and some cancellations that may or may not come as a surprise to you.

Smallville’s return from hiatus was postponed until Friday January 29th because of the Hope for Haiti telethon. I have been informed that it would be in the poorest of taste for me to argue that Hope for Haiti should have been postponed so Smallville could return, so I will simply say that the telethon was viewed by 83 million people and raised $61 million, which is pretty damn impressive. Smallville airs Friday nights at 8pm on the CW.

24 premiered its 8th season on January 17th with four new episodes spread over two days. Watching these episodes, I realized two things: 1.) for all the “twists” the show boasts, 24 is surprisingly formulaic. For instance, here are the things I know will happen in an episode before I even watch it: Jack is going to yell/kick/shoot at someone, Jack is going to go “off grid,” Chloe is going to look dour, and the person that you think is the traitor turns out to be a red herring and the person you didn’t think was a traitor is, in fact, traitorous. 2.) Because 24 follows such a strict formula, a drinking game can be formed around it. Drink whenever anything from my list happens and you may not live to see the next episode, which might actually be a blessing. 24 airs Monday nights at 9pm on FOX.

Syfy aired the two hour season premiere of Battlestar Galactica prequel of sorts, Caprica, on January 22nd. Despite having been available for almost a year on DVD and streaming on Syfy’s website for a few weeks before the premiere, it managed to pull in 1.6m viewers. Caprica is perfect for you if you were getting sick of all the theology muddying the pure sci-fi waters of Battlestar Galactica toward the end of the series. Caprica is the story of how humans brought about their own destruction on earth (by creating cylons). For a program that is primarily science fiction, Caprica consists of themes that are largely human, such as the idea of morality and how our senses of grief, greed and obsession can overshadow our morality and how everything begins to unravel once we cross the moral threshold. Caprica airs Friday nights at 9pm on Space.

In cancelation news, this season will be Ugly Betty’s last. That disturbance you just felt was the one Ugly Betty fan suddenly crying out in terror and suddenly being silenced.

Finally, last week the “stars” of Jersey Shore demanded MTV begin paying them $10,000 an episode because The Hills “stars” were making $100,000 an episode and The Hills never rated as high as Jersey Shore does. Instead of telling The Situation and Snooky to go take a flying fuck at a rolling donut, MTV caved and now the cast can all afford all the hair gel, bottle service, and eyebrow wax they could ever want. All is well with the universe.